quittin' time

i really never, not in a million years, thought i'd want to do this.  but one

of the biggest lessons i learned the moment martin was born is that you

never ever know how you'll feel about something until you are living it.

whatever that situation may be.  i can do a whole post about that, and i think

that i will, but for now i'll just focus on this "ah-ha" moment.

going back to work after maternity leave was  tough stuff.  there were more

than a few times that i closed the door to my office and cried.  richard was

a gem, and he knew how hard i was taking it, so he would text me a picture

of marty almost every day when he would go eat lunch at the daycare (cdc) with him.

that helped a little bit.  but clearly not enough.  there were also many days that i

left work early to go and pick him up, even if it was just a half-hour before

richard would be there to get him.  emotionally, that separation was very hard

for me.  it did get a little bit easier as time went on, but not much.

the decision was more than an emotional one, though.  the day we went in for

our parent orientation at the cdc richard felt it, too.  we were signing papers with

a lady, and she had to leave the room for some reason.  when she left, richard said,

"i don't want to leave him here."  and we talked about it for a second before she came

back.  then we talked about it more and more as the days went on.  we both felt that

we wanted to be the ones teaching him things, and being there for all of his firsts: laughing,

rolling over, finding his feet and sucking on them...those are some that have happened

so far.  it also came down to the fact that although i loved my job, i'd signed up for a new

job that i loved infinitely more.  when i was at work, i felt super distracted.  it just seemed

like i was never giving 100% to my job, and i felt like i wasn't being 100% the mom i could

be.  so, after being back to work almost a month i gave my notice.  i was really nervous

because i'd talked a big game about returning to work, but my supervisor was so nice and

supportive, and i was able to leave on a very good note with all of my co-workers.  i felt

nothing but encouragement from all of them, and that meant so much to me.

marty's last day of daycare was thursday, april 4.  he had a huge blowout, and another

parent accidentally grabbed his bag of clothes (one of my favorite outfits) that we never

got back, but this is the smile i got from him when i picked him up that day.

so, about the clothes:  who cares?

friday, april 5 was a big, big day.  marty turned 4 months old and it was my last

official day of work.  i only had to go in for a few hours so i took him with me.  it

was a hoot showing him off to everyone as i went in to return my keys, sign papers,

and say goodbye.

here we are just before leaving the house for the day:

that afternoon he had his 4-month check-up, and everything looked great.

our boy is healthy and strong, and maybe a little low on the growth charts, but

if he's not right on schedule to become an average morbidly obese american, 

i'm ok with that.  he did have to get more shots, and i lost it and started crying

with him.  the nurse we had was amazing, though, and we mostly just snuggled the

rest of the day.  grandma jan even came over for moral support.  baby shots, woof.

here we are snuggling and crying together.  the crying eventually stopped,

but not the snuggling...

well, only long enough to play a little.  we had a lot to celebrate.

and late that night we got to pick richard up from being out of town on tdy.

aside from the shots and tears, it was a very good day.

the decision to quit was my own.  i'm so grateful for an amazingly supportive

husband, and that he's such an awesome daddy to our boy.  you know on spotlight

questionnaires when it asks you to list your talents?  i'm usually embarrassed to list mine

because they consist of volleyball and cooking.  not a long list, and i'm not really sure if

those things even count.  anyway, i just got to thinking, and this is one of the things that

helped me make the final decision to quit, that being a mother is the most important

thing i'll do in my whole life, and i want to become the best one i possibly can.  i want to

be the kind of mom that loves being a mom, and whose kids love having her as their mom.

i have a few really good examples of this around me, and i'm just following their lead.

i feel in my gut that i made the right decision, and i haven't regretted it for even a second.

i don't know that i'll ever list "awesome mom" on a spotlight talent list, but i hope that

someday awesome mothering will become my greatest talent.